Ako naman muna

Back in 2018, as an underpaid fresh graduate who was no longer an active member of any dance group, I found it hard to continue my dance training. It was then when I began to do these freestyle dance films in the comfort of my room, or sometimes in condominium hallways at 2am after my night shift at work. I took these pockets of time to dance for myself, in times when I didn't have that much money and time to dance with anyone else. In those late nights, I found refuge in dance.

At the same time, it was during these years that dance was growing more and more into my work. Because of this, I began to dance only if it was my job - whether I needed to teach or choreograph something. Over time, I approached my "freestyle dance films" as a way for me to create content to put out, instead of being a work of art I wanted to create for myself like I originally intended. My perspective towards my dance was becoming more skewed towards something I did solely for others, instead of something I did for myself, which I can then share with others.

But a lot happened these past few months that radically shifted those perspectives, and for the first time in a long time, to celebrate my birthday last March, I genuinely wanted to create something for myself again. So I made this video to share a glimpse of my story over the past years - how I used to dance alone in empty corridors, to dancing in rooms in my childhood home, to finally being able to dance freely once again in open spaces (still socially distanced, of course).

The past years felt really difficult but the process of creating this film allowed me to change the way I saw that period of my life. Instead of seeing those four years as times when I was dancing at the cost of my well-being, I now see them as years when I was able to receive more - by continuing to dance, I made new friends, I discovered my identity outside of being a competing dancer, had more chances to express myself through dance, and overall just gained so much more experience than I was able to get in the past.

Nowadays, I'm working to balance dancing for my own well-being and teaching or choreographing to help others with their self-expression dance too. I now realize that they were never opposing forces like I once thought, but two ends of the spectrum that I have to continuously nurture if I am to continue down this path. So now, it is my hope that by sharing this film, I am able to take another step towards bravery in letting my true self be more seen in the world and maybe inspiring someone else to be even more true to themselves as well.

by Asha Marinella